8 years ago...

Grace's First Holy Communion is tomorrow and whoa, I can't believe she's already that old. I remember so clearly the day she was born. I was at a friend's house (Grace was born 3 weeks early, so it wasn't planned for me to be there while my mom gave birth) and when I got home, I was told that she was at the hospital. At at 4:30 pm on November 15th, 2001, our worlds changed forever! Margaret was no longer the baby and everyone was told to make room for Grace Victoria! It's hard to believe she's already 8 years old. I often fear that one day, I'll forget all of this...forget all of these memories, which is why I'm so thankful for social networking and things like blogging, Facebook, twitter, etc. Hopefully I can look back on these times and see the craziness that we were all going through!

Right now Grace is sleeping in her room, Margaret is downstairs watching Wizards of Waverly Place, my dad is watching TV in his 'man cave', my grandpa is in the shower, and my mom and my grandma are talking downstairs. It's a big day tomorrow.

CONGRATULATIONS GIGI!

I miss you.

I miss you, I miss your smile. And I still shed a tear every once in awhile. And even though it's different now, you're still here somehow. My heart won't let you go, but I need you to know... I miss you.

We had a drug talk today at school which inspired me to write this post. Generally, I hate drug talks because they hit so close to home. So close to home. This one was a great talk, the speaker was brilliant, but it hit even closer than usual because the speaker was a recovering drug addict herself. Very recently recovering. I couldn't help but think the entire time, 'What if?'. What if my cousin hadn't moved out of our house? What if we had made her stay until she was done with treatment? What if, what if, what if? Would she still be here now? It's hard to say...I don't know. I do know that I miss Alexis like hell. Everyday I think of her. She was so special. I recently talked with her best friend, Jessica, on the phone. I reconnected with her on facebook and she wanted to call and talk, so of course, I agreed. She's a real sweetheart. She told me that Alexis adored me, absolutely adored me. She told me that she wants to keep in touch with me because I was so important to Alexis. She feels as if it's her duty to be Alexis to me, if that makes sense. Of course, I cried, she cried. Alexis was a special girl. Just as she was about to go back to college, get a degree and begin a new life...her addiction struck her again. I hate when people say bad things about drug users, because Lex was so not what I picture as a drug user. She was happy (or so she seemed), beautiful (as you can see from the above photos). She never came home without a smile. I love her so much and I miss her. Even typing this pulls at my heartstrings. I don't think my family realizes how much her death tore me apart...but it did. I miss having that 'big sister' which is truly what she was to me. Yes, she has a sister and I love her too, she's my family, but there is absolutely no comparison between the two. They're different people. Rest in peace, Alexis. I love you.

I hate cancer's F#$%ing guts.

"I screamed at the unfairness and told cancer how much I hate it's f#$%ing guts." - Amy Potvin

Since becoming more involved with Ellie and since my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, cancer is never far from my head. Since becoming more involved with Ellie, I've found countless more children who are also fighting this beast. And you know what, it SUCKS. It absolutely sucks. Cancer has affected everyone. Whether we "advertise" (that sounds awful, I know) it or not, everyone has been affected. Everyone knows someone who has cancer. Maybe they've had it themselves. I am absolutely, 100% amazed at all of these "cancer moms". Especially Amy, Ellie's mom. If you just read her caringbridge entries (http://caringbridge.org/visit/elliepotvin) your heart breaks with her, you laugh with her, you cry with her, you get angry at her, you hate cancer with her. She writes so beautifully and she is just as amazing offline. She has so much energy and is truly holding everyone together! Ellie is absolutely blessed to have her.

Ellie had a lung scan this week and the results showed that this chemotherapy infusion (the last one proven to work on rhabdo) has failed. Most of the tumors have stayed the same, but 2 have grown. All of this that Ellie's gone through in the past weeks and months, it didn't even shrink any tumors. What?!?! Again, cancer sucks. Big time. Moving on from here...I am confident that Amy and Tim will find the miracle cure for their daughter. Something has to be out there. Ellie is so high on energy, I believe it's a sign from God saying 'Hold on, be patient. Ellie will be cured on my time.' Ellie isn't miserable, Ellie looks healthy. Her beautiful wispy hairs and her gorgeous grin are infectous. She is the epitome of bravery and beauty. I have hope and faith in her. In God. Please, Lord, Please... Things are going well here. I can't believe the school year is nearly over. I'm incredibly emotional these past few days! (I HATE PMS.) I think it's a combination of PMS, the Ellie scan news, and just everything. There's a lot going on right now. Yesterday I cried about 10 times, no joke, 10 seperate times. 16 & Pregnant never fails to make me cry and add in that the couple is giving their baby up for adoption, let's call flood control please! Everything made me cry. But in a way I like crying. I get so annoyed with people who never cry in front of other people. (This is getting very off topic, but what the hell..?) I like to express my emotions. Because other people can help you through it. You typically don't help yourself.

Anyway, this is turning into a novel, but I just wanted to remind you to keep Miss Ellie in your prayers, keep her mommy and daddy in your prayers, and keep her precious twin sister, Grace, in your prayers as well. This beast will not win.